Seraphim

everything was beautiful and nothing hurt...

 

cardigan weather


the air is chilled and i feel as if i can breathe easier now.

i'm all sweaters and socks and cigarettes,
curled up on a bench and talking about the stars
and how far away we are.
i can touch them with my fingers,
if i just believe,
but i can touch you with my fingers
and i dont believe it is real at all.

my eyes seem brighter when i wake in the morning
and sometimes they catch me off guard when i look at myself,
even though this lighting is horrible.
but my hands shake and my knees rattle
almost the same way my car does
when i turn it over and over,
but we're still going somewhere
regardless of all the noise and aches and scratched paint.
just turn up the radio and pull down those windows!
i want to feel the wind wrap around me
like a vortex filling this empty space
driving me on and on and on.

at night i wander barely lit streets
and i let my thoughts wander
through the flowers,
around the fancy cars,
crawling the walls and dancing the middle of a dark road,
into the cracked pavement where grass can still grow angry
down to the earth
and just lie there
alone.
with my breath and the smoke and my thoughts and the dirt.
and i feel complacent
and i feel boring and stuck
but i guess i put on a good show
cuz everyone still tells me i'm awesome
and everyone still tells me i'm pretty and i've got the drive
to do anything i really want to
...but i dont want to.
or, rather, i just dont know.

so i keep wandering the earth
searching for truth
in every empty smile and blatant lie,
and i still speak loud
cuz soft just isnt my style anymore.
i'll let the sun radiate through my hair
and warm my back
and light the way
i feel happy and i feel good
but i feel there is so much more
than just this.

posted by: Seraphim at 16:31 | link | comments |

It was hot, but we still sat outside.



"you're a good person. i don't know if you know that, but you are."

the smoke between them made everything hazey, but his bright eyes still found a way to break through her as he spoke the words.

she blew the cancer out of her lungs in his general direction before staring at the concrete beneath her feet.

"...i just don't know anymore," she responded quietly.
she picked at her nails nervously. she knew he noticed. he noticed everything.

he sighed, audibly.

"well i do."
He calmly stood up and grabbed his book of the table in one singular motion as he began to walk away.
he looked at her over his shoulder, "and that is all that really matters."

posted by: Seraphim at 00:35 | link | comments |

there it goes...
remember
what it was like
when
you used to know
exactly 
the thought i was thinking
what
i meant
when i said...

please
remind me
i have
forgotten the words.
i have
forgotten the feeling.
i lost
it all
in some grey noise
in some grey clouds
i lost
everything
in the lack
of color
of shape
of reason.

i lost.
i forgot.

i forget to remember
i remember to forget

everything.

do you remember?
do you remember what i meant?

posted by: Seraphim at 20:37 | link | comments |

remember that familiar face?
that girl that lives inside the mirror
she never left
but where did you go?
where have you been hiding for so long?
could you think she was a waste
of perfectly reflective space?
could you have been so blind?

how could you
look right through her?
how could you
not see what was always there?
how could you
have not cared?

she's been there all along
waiting
for you to say hello
waiting
for you to remember

and today she smiled back at you
that familiar face
eyes shining grace
that familiar face
that familiar face
that familiar face

say hello to you

posted by: Seraphim at 22:20 | link | comments |

i want to hold your hand
make you smile
lead you out of this place
where you struggle
drowning in an inch of water

but i can't
this is all on you
this is all on you

i want to be strong
take you in my arms
be strong for you
but i dont know what to do

'cuz i cant
this is all on you
this is all on you

and i cant lose myself
i cant lose myself
while you find you

posted by: Seraphim at 21:00 | link | comments |

we find ourselves
breathing. 

the first time i find myself believing

all the things
i wanted to be real,
all the things
that never could be,

are.

words spill over the dashboard
as the sun rises upon a new day
and we watch
blinded

by hope.


our eyes burn
with the thought
of being

alive.

and so
you take that one last and final step
onto [into]
nothing [everything].

worse comes to worse,
you just may find your God.

worse comes worse,
you just may find
yourself

in someone else.

posted by: Seraphim at 08:39 | link | comments |

i drew butterflies and grew flowers out my scars, showing them to strangers...asking if they could see the lovely

posted by: Seraphim at 14:25 | link | comments |

                                   

"Tell me anything," she thought, staring at her paint stained hands. She looked over at him. Resting motionless on a pale blue blanket on the floor, the only sign of life were his eyes dancing across the tattered pages of his favorite poems.  His eyes mateched the blanket and she could help but glance at them every few moments. She loved to watch him read.

He shifted and turned a page, his fingers tracing the words, his pale blues taking every line in. He didnt even bother to push away a stray, wavy brown lock of hair that fell across his face.

She looked again at her hands and picked up the bristly brush that she had rejected in boredom only moments before.  Painting seems so pointless when you lose interest in what you are creating half way through. She paused, looking at the canvas.
What a waste of paint.

"Tell me anything," she thought. "Anything at all."
She sighed loudly.
"Fill my head with lies, or truths, even. It is not as if I would believe you anyways... but I would eat up every word."
"Say something, anything to fill up the emptiness of this dimply lit room."
"Anything...anything but silence."

He turned another page, she dipped the brush in red. He peered at her over a sea of ancient pages, watching her eyes, her hands as she painted.

"Say anything," he thought.
"Anything at all."

There is something to be said about lonely companionship in a world of poems and paintings.

posted by: Seraphim at 17:59 | link | comments (1) |

Tears trace the the car window, glistening in the passing streetlights, almost blinding.

'It's not so much running away,' she thought, flicking her ciggarette out the window.  'Not so much running as walking away, turning away, and leaving it all behind.'

That town and all those people. 
Their shattered dreams, tragic lives and empty promises.

She needed a new environment, a new horizon. Some place where she could change, space where she could grow.  She wasn't sure where that place was, but she knew it existed. She could feel it calling to her, pulling on her heartstrings, slowly freeing her from all the lies.

There is no use following stars if you don't know where you are going...the street lamps along the highway were the the only stars she would trust now.

posted by: Seraphim at 14:14 | link | comments |

posted by: Seraphim at 07:41 | link | comments |

box of thoughts, all lit up in the sun

I touch hands and trace the lines as you dream
sun peeks through blinds and i wonder why
why am i awake
why do i wake
every morning of everyday
i'm running out of new things to say

the answer is out of my grasp
just like everything else

The world's worries move me to wake,
rather than i wake to move the world

posted by: Seraphim at 17:52 | link | comments |

what it is to burn

let me climb a tree
and like the branches reach for the sky
stand at the bottem
light a match and burn me alive
but you wont hear me cry
or scramble to escape
no
see, i know
as ash, the wind will carry me
and i will fly

posted by: Seraphim at 10:26 | link | comments (1) |

just a mess of glue and tape

scars just mean that you are a survivor.
those telephone wires
under skin,
pumping blood
means that you are alive
you survived.

and a person shattered and scattered
upon a floor,
a heart made up of fragments,
trash left at the door,
can easily be fixed with glue and duct tape.

what hurts the most is when you can't save face.

but you learn to take pride in the cracks and bruises and missing pieces.
you stop hiding your heart.
you learn to call it failures art.

and you learn that you are beautiful.
you are beautiful
because you are broken.


destruction brings about creation of something new.
that something new,
is you.

posted by: Seraphim at 10:11 | link | comments (1) |

silly girl

a million "i'm sorry's" could not undue the damage you caused.

some bridges cannot be rebuilt.
some bridges should not be.

I will light this match to burn down this bridge
we will stand on either side and wave our goodbyes
...what a waste
to watch it all go up in a blaze of glory
and through the haze we'll raise a final toast:
Cheers to you and cheers to me!
Cheers to all we'll never be again!

This is the end, foolish girl I called a friend.
This is the end

On either side we will sit
and looking down, watch the water flow
beneath us, between us
forever.

posted by: Seraphim at 07:56 | link | comments |

it's just a facade
you breed hate and contempt inside these walls
dont deny it
or try to hide it
filling young minds
with standards of perfection
and offer only rejection
to those who falter
to those fallen at the alter
you give no understanding or love
no place for safe landing
no forgiveness from above

any mistake is the purest of evils
you say they are not fit to live
in this
this happy place that doesnt really exsist

posted by: Seraphim at 11:55 | link | comments |

my name sounds so nice when you say it...



it seems safe in your mouth

posted by: Seraphim at 09:23 | link | comments |

he is a manly man

...oh, bradley hathaway.

i watched his shoes as he spoke words so clever and true

and i fell,

infatuated with this boy,
tall
thin
floppy hair
green eyes

and as he spoke
I couldnt look at his face
his words were too true
and hit me through and through

so i watched his shoes
scuffed up and beaten up converse shoes

they danced
and stomped
and shuffeled
and fidgeted

and i fell

for his shoes
his hair
his eyes
his voice

and his words
his brilliant, brilliant words.

posted by: Seraphim at 08:55 | link | comments |

alls quiet on the western front

the stars are quite lovely
through the dark silhouette of a palm tree
in the quiet of the night
alone
i sit on my rock
in silence
a black cat lays on the grass beside me
silent, still
and God breathes a refreshing sigh
whipping strands of hair across my face

a star appears for a brief second
leaving a trail of dust for me to wonder at

i stare at ambers burning between my fingers
and crush them into the ground
leaving a trail of dust for me to wonder at

i used to think i needed pills
but really
just smoke
some dark air in my lungs
and a bottle, or maybe a glass
a 'liquid cure'

it's the destructive habits that help me sleep at night

and silence.

posted by: Seraphim at 19:55 | link | comments (2) |

colors and paints and fabrics.
ink and parchment and journals and books.
black and white photographs.
roofs and graveyards.
laughter and silence.
old and used things.
smiles and eyes.
kurt halsey art.
music and words.
blood and tears.
honesty and kindness.

these things will save me.
what will save you?

posted by: Seraphim at 12:42 | link | comments |

the clouds were suffocating tonight

chipped black nails
bold red lipstick
and scuffed shoes
this is the masquerade of angels

posted by: Seraphim at 21:13 | link | comments |

betrayal

"don't go. please don't go."

she stared at the floor
as he shut the door.
and left forever.

"there are no second chances," he had said.
"you, of all people, should know that."

posted by: Seraphim at 13:11 | link | comments (2) |

i need more duct tape.

why do i allow myself to feel worthless? i know i am not. i don't care how anyone treats me, i know myself, and i respect myself.
I am unique. I am different. strange. crazy. an aquired taste.
I like how i am. I like who i am.
so why is it that when a stupid boy makes a stupid decision, always choosing some other girl over me, why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why whyfucking WHY?
do i feel so worthless? like such a waste?

sorry i don't fuck guys i don't know/trust/havent had time to fall in love with.
sorry i don't see sex as something casual, like hand holding.
sorry that this fact makes me unwanted.
sorry i am not awesome enough to wait for.
sorry i am not worth the effort.
sorry that all of my other great characteristics, my forgiving and understanding nature, my honesty, my realness, insightfullness, my motivations and determination, my talents and interests and humor and looks really don't mean anything if you are not getting fucked.

i am sorry i'm not worth it.
i am sorry you feel this way.

why aren't you?

posted by: Seraphim at 10:40 | link | comments |

notes.

i'm glad i'm back
but i can't wait until i am gone for good.

i am making do with what i've got
playing the cards i've been dealt
and i am happy.
i am.

but i am defintely not content.

everything feels empty.

it does not make me feel bad or sad.
it just validates my reasons for leaving.
for leaving everyone,
and going someplace where i can be
seperated.
alone.
detatched.

i want something different.
i want something more.
i want to be selfish.

posted by: Seraphim at 14:37 | link | comments |

When the tide comes in I won’t notice

I am becoming okay being alone.
It has gotten to the point where I welcome it, even
crowded places full of strangers
empty balconies
dimly lit sidewalks.
and disappointments are turning comfortable
almost expected
always accepted.

I’m not sure if I should be worried
it doesn’t feel like apathy
isn’t nearly like depression.
I just can’t find a reason to waste
effort and emotion
on pointless expressions
that never help.

others make their decisions
leave and forget
and I move on.

I kill my feelings and let them die
until they are only a shadow
of an empty shell
a relic of passion once was real.

all that remains is the mere memory
a fact soon forgotten.

posted by: Seraphim at 09:41 | link | comments |

Walking the Stars

I remember walking upon stars on a brightly lit street
talking about dreams and directions
looking at the names lined in gold
thinking,
"I am so much better than this. they will never see me coming. you just wait."

I remember how you told me to jump onto your back
as you boarded downhill,
and how my skirt nearly ripped when we almost fell
and your board rolled into the street.
we were laughing so hard my sides hurt.

I remember laughing and smiling
knowing that I had not laughed or smiled like that
for a really long time.

I remember waving goodbye
knowing that I would be seeing you again.

Your blues eyes have not seen the last of me.

posted by: Seraphim at 22:10 | link | comments |

A Passing Glance at the Past

posted by: Seraphim at 11:53 | link | comments |

Across the table

i remember a time when I was not alone.

I look in your eyes and i remember the boy you used to be,
and the girl i let go and let love.
I believe i was in love.
I think I loved.
and i was scared.

I know what you offer
I know that you genuinely care and are willing to wait
but i cant.
I cant trust.
I am ruined, damaged, troubled, and it is not your fault.
You are not the one to blame.
I was weak and I did not warn you
My scars are deep, reminding me
The kind of hurt, the kind of pain that is not easily let go.
is not easily forgotten.
the thought of letting myself fall again
setting myself up to only be let down again
it makes me worry, it makes me scared
I don't ever want to feel that way ever again.
I won't ever feel that way again.

I am stronger now, more protected and cautious now.
the ashes are spilled between us
don't try to wipe it up
nothing you do or say
could make this go away

I look across at you.
There is more than a table seperating us now.
16 months is a very long time, too much space
too much space to replace with talk and touch.
We are so different now.
so different than how we used to be
...or maybe it is just me.

ashes on the table
blood on the floor.

posted by: Seraphim at 08:48 | link | comments |

posted by: Seraphim at 08:42 | link | comments (1) |

Personal and private, but it's not like anyone reads this, and i want to remember...

Sera324: it's like, you say that  i have so much more to offer than sexual things....but those things i have to offer are not enought to keep anyone around, no one is willing to put forth any effort just to wait a bit. the physical is such a big thing...it's what makes me feel worthless when i know im not. everyone wants the immediate gratification, and if i am not giving it then i am not worth sticking around for, waiting for, fighting for. without the physical, i am a waste of time completely.
Sera324: i have had guys pretty much say this to me...in more or less words
ChyphenSECTION: guilty in a horrible horrible horrible way
Sera324: gah, i have never told anyone that
Sera324: my eyes are all teary
ChyphenSECTION: awww sera
Sera324: give me a sec
ChyphenSECTION: ok
ChyphenSECTION: let me know when i can respond

posted by: Seraphim at 01:07 | link | comments |

guidelines. (to be updated.)

say what you mean and mean what you say.
know what you mean to say, and say it that way.
be honest.
with yourself and with others.
be tactful. do not be cruel.
know that other people are.
keep your secrets. treasure them.
be honored that people give you secrets to keep.
be kind.
to yourself and to others.
do not hate.
understand others and love them where they are.
understand yourself and love yourself where you are.
learn to love yourself so you are capable of loving others.
accept that sometimes you are wrong.
accept that sometimes you are right.
grow.
learn.
think.
create.
inspire.
live.
dream.
love.
do not just exist.  have a purpose.
do SOMETHING.
BE someone.
use your time wisely.
understand what it means :
I.am.me.
I.am.
be okay being alone.
be okay being lonely.
be okay being loved.
be okay being hated, but do not take pride in it.
just accept it.
know yourself.
know others.
keep your friends close.
let them know that they matter. always.
learn to trust.
be someone to trust.
keep destructive people out of your life.
but help them, if you can.
keep away from destructive and deadly habits.
learn to let go.
learn to hold on.
do not live in denial.
accept your flaws.
now do something about it.
improve yourself.
believe in something.
believe in your mind and in your heart.
be someone to believe [in].

posted by: Seraphim at 12:23 | link | comments (3) |